Don’t Go Here
Fair and Balanced
Sometimes I think my personal life could generate high-volume failblog.org traffic, if my mishaps were captured digitally. The best advice originates from the loser–er, the individual who experiences (or witnesses) failure first-hand, so please accept my offering below:
1) If your bank provides an online bill pay service, tread your keys carefully when posting payments, so as to avoid sending your $2,075.00 mortgage payment to a credit card company for which you intended a minimum payment. Credit card agencies hesitate to refund two-thousand-dollar payments, and tend to submit your refund request through a labyrinth of finance committees and approval forums, so expect a three-to-four-week checking account balance deficit.
2) When other credit agencies phone your house inquiring about your subsequent missed payments, brace yourself for their silent pause after your explanation. They are thinking, as is everyone else to whom you explain this fail, “Idiot,” as they stifle a smug laugh under breath. Hold off on such explanations to employers supervising upcoming promotions, in-laws, and especially teenagers to whom you owe allowance. Feel free to capitalize on this fail, however, when approached by church donation receivers, door-to-door Comcast Cable upgrade representatives, and the Sierra Club.
3) Never sip a Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate Grande post-major dental work before the local anesthesia has worn off. It may taste cool enough in your car, but your tongue’s numbness the following day will testify to you that it was, indeed, too hot.
4) ALWAYS ASSUME A CHILD IS THE WOMAN’S CHILD, NOT HER GRANDCHILD.
5) When you run out of whipping cream while preparing a dessert for the following day’s work party, do not seek whipping cream at your local, run-down gas station mini-mart late at night if you are a remotely good-looking woman–unless accompanied by an intimidating man or an intimidating woman.
6) Remember, always, that a few years ago the family dog went to the farm, where he could chase butterflies in the open fields all day. Remove “animal shelter” from your vocabulary.
7) If you drop an unopened diet soda in a parking lot, and it springs a spraying leak as it quickly rolls downhill, do not bend forward and chase after it with open arms. You won’t catch it, but you will sustain soda spray to the face and public humiliation predicated by the laughter of stoners in the adjacent Dodge Neon.
Here’s to a healthy sense of self-deprecating humor!
jillwellock 